Nothing was working.


It's amazing how quickly a day can change from good to bad to back again.

Woke up this morning with feelings overflowing with love and gratitude. She finally slept again for a six hour stretch. I slept in until around ten. Woke up with a super cuddly, warm, silky soft baby next to me. By the time dinner came around everything was falling apart. She was fussy and tired. So was I. She wouldn't nurse,  wouldn't fall asleep, wouldn't stop fussing. Brian was tired. I was tired. Nothing was working. Nothing.

So I stormed out of the house. Carrying her in my arms.

I didn't know where I wanted to go. Just away. From Brian. From the house. To clear my head, get some space.

We went to the river.

I hadn't planned on taking her out. People were giving me strange looks. We were quite the pair--her in only her diaper and me walking in my socks.. I think one lady might have been concerned about us because she stopped and watched us for quite awhile. (Probably wanted to make sure I wasn't going to throw my baby into the river out of desperation!)

Miss Mae always calms down when we are outside. She just watches everything, her beautiful blueberry blue eyes scanning the world in wonder. We sat on a bench and watched the water, the ducks swimming, herons skimming the water. It was so beautiful.

Breathe.

I have to remind myself of that a lot these days. Motherhood is hard. Really hard. People tell you that but you have to experience it. Even if you eat well, have a healthy baby, have a good home. It's. Still. Hard. It's such an adjustment. You can't just leave everything and go on a long drive blasting music until you forget why you were upset. You can't just pretend like nothing is wrong when your tired and hungry and your child is screaming at you and your husband is tired and hungry, too.

I sat there with her.

I know this will pass. I really do like being a mom. Having a baby. She is sweet and wonderful. Most of the time. Maybe that's why these times stand out so strongly. And I have such a hard time. Every stage will bring it's challenges but none will ever seem as hard as the ones I am facing. Right. Now. In the moment.

The sun was setting.

It started to get chilly just sitting there. I took off my overshirt and wrapped it around her like a little dress. If we didn't make a pair before I'm sure we did then. She was still calm. Just cooing at her toes and watching a dog swim after a thrown stick in the water.

I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay upset. I wanted the world to know how hard this was. I'm the baby. I wonder often how much her having a hard time is really just me. Can she sense my anxiety? My fears? My disappointments? Can she sense that deeply when something isn't right with me? I'm sure she can.

I picked her up and started to walk.

She fell asleep in my arms. She curled her head into my shoulder. I walked home.

Brian was asleep when I got in. I sat down. She was still sleeping peacefully in my arms. Gently, I placed her on the bed between us.

We fell asleep.

This is so hard sometimes. But I know it's worth it. Sometimes I don't get anything done during a day. But nothing has a whole new meaning now--it includes changing diapers, holding a baby, playing with her, trying to make sure I eat something, maybe getting dinner on the table. Maybe. On a good day.

I need to remember to slow down. This is temporary and I will miss it when it's gone.





(This blog featured on Sunday Parenting, Better Mom, EOA, Farmgirl Fest, Sharing Saturday, Blog Walk




15 comments:

  1. This is a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing. You are one amazing mother. We all have our days though.I am glad things calmed down in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I remember trying so hard to breastfeed my first -- but ended up going to the bottle because to be honest, it wasn't worth it for me. I wanted that time to be pleasant, not full of angst. But that was 30 years ago.

    Beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's pretty amazing how things never seem to turn out the way we plan. Especially as a mother I'm learning! I am extremely grateful for "breastfeeding luck" because I know how hard it can be for others. Sorry it didn't work out for you but maybe in the long run it was better for your children to be non-breast fed than to have a super stressed out mother!

      Delete
  3. Very beautifully written and with such raw honesty. Your piece brought back to memory my own challenges as a new mom!

    Ironically, because we lived in an apartment at the time, it was better because everything was within walking distance. It saved me. It saved us. (Yet it still took me several years to stop my daily glasses of wine. Now it's water and tea.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for commenting, Lisa. Walking does wonders for me, as well. Next time I'll have to try that glass of wine, though!

      Delete
  4. You have Very Aptly described a universal new Mama experience. You are doing a great job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Summer! I am sure you can relate right now. ;)

      Delete
  5. Oh you have captured it perfectly. That whole adjustment of realizing what being "Mom" really means. It's amazing isn't it what a difference being outside can make. Just to breathe in the fresh air and feel the sun on our face. It can turn an entire day around. I'm featuring this post on my blog today as one of my favorites from last week's Sunday Parenting Party. It is a beautifully written post, thank you for linking up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ness! <3 Fresh air makes all the difference in the world--for momma,for baby, for life. :)

      Delete
  6. What an amazing post!! Thank you so much for putting in words what all of us feel at some point in time with a young child. Thank you for sharing at Sharing Saturday!! Sorry I'm visiting/commenting so late!

    ReplyDelete
  7. this is exactly how i have been feeling the past couple weeks off and on. such a wonderful honest post! i feel like we could be best friends! ;) i couldnt agree more that fresh air, the sun, the breeze.... they do make a huge difference!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kate! Looking forward to getting to know you more! <3

      Delete
  8. Hello! I’m stopping in to invite you to join us at the Clever Chicks Blog Hop this week!
    http://www.the-chicken-chick.com/2012/11/clever-chicks-blog-hop-7-country-craft.html

    I hope to see you there!
    Cheers!
    Kathy
    The Chicken Chick

    ReplyDelete

Comments make me oh so happy! Feel free to comment away. I'd love to hear what's on your mind