Nothing was working.
It's amazing how quickly a day can change from good to bad to back again.
Woke up this morning with feelings overflowing with love and gratitude. She finally slept again for a six hour stretch. I slept in until around ten. Woke up with a super cuddly, warm, silky soft baby next to me. By the time dinner came around everything was falling apart. She was fussy and tired. So was I. She wouldn't nurse, wouldn't fall asleep, wouldn't stop fussing. Brian was tired. I was tired. Nothing was working. Nothing.
So I stormed out of the house. Carrying her in my arms.
I didn't know where I wanted to go. Just away. From Brian. From the house. To clear my head, get some space.
We went to the river.
I hadn't planned on taking her out. People were giving me strange looks. We were quite the pair--her in only her diaper and me walking in my socks.. I think one lady might have been concerned about us because she stopped and watched us for quite awhile. (Probably wanted to make sure I wasn't going to throw my baby into the river out of desperation!)
Miss Mae always calms down when we are outside. She just watches everything, her beautiful blueberry blue eyes scanning the world in wonder. We sat on a bench and watched the water, the ducks swimming, herons skimming the water. It was so beautiful.
I have to remind myself of that a lot these days. Motherhood is hard. Really hard. People tell you that but you have to experience it. Even if you eat well, have a healthy baby, have a good home. It's. Still. Hard. It's such an adjustment. You can't just leave everything and go on a long drive blasting music until you forget why you were upset. You can't just pretend like nothing is wrong when your tired and hungry and your child is screaming at you and your husband is tired and hungry, too.
I sat there with her.
I know this will pass. I really do like being a mom. Having a baby. She is sweet and wonderful. Most of the time. Maybe that's why these times stand out so strongly. And I have such a hard time. Every stage will bring it's challenges but none will ever seem as hard as the ones I am facing. Right. Now. In the moment.
The sun was setting.
It started to get chilly just sitting there. I took off my overshirt and wrapped it around her like a little dress. If we didn't make a pair before I'm sure we did then. She was still calm. Just cooing at her toes and watching a dog swim after a thrown stick in the water.
I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay upset. I wanted the world to know how hard this was. I'm the baby. I wonder often how much her having a hard time is really just me. Can she sense my anxiety? My fears? My disappointments? Can she sense that deeply when something isn't right with me? I'm sure she can.
I picked her up and started to walk.
She fell asleep in my arms. She curled her head into my shoulder. I walked home.
Brian was asleep when I got in. I sat down. She was still sleeping peacefully in my arms. Gently, I placed her on the bed between us.
We fell asleep.
This is so hard sometimes. But I know it's worth it. Sometimes I don't get anything done during a day. But nothing has a whole new meaning now--it includes changing diapers, holding a baby, playing with her, trying to make sure I eat something, maybe getting dinner on the table. Maybe. On a good day.
I need to remember to slow down. This is temporary and I will miss it when it's gone.
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